


I don't wanna be me anymore

by inky_dreams



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Batman References, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jason Todd Angst, Jason Todd Deserves Better, Jason Todd Swears, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:49:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29744559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inky_dreams/pseuds/inky_dreams
Summary: The view from the window frames such a lovely picture. A cheerful atmosphere, a picture perfect family.What a shame that he had thought he was part of it too.Jason's accepted back into family, albeit rather warily. He's tired of being treated like a ticking time bomb. The scene he happens across just happens to be the last straw. Maybe it's time for him to take matters into his own hands.
Relationships: Jason Todd & Rose Wilson, Jason Todd & Slade Wilson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 129





	I don't wanna be me anymore

_Worthless_

_Waste of space_

_Of all the regrets I have had, you were my greatest one._

_Wish I had never come back._

Death had been kinder. Some days, Jason wishes that he never woke up in that grave. Everything would be so much easier. 

He was already replaced before his return to Gotham. It was stupid of him to think that his return would change anything.

_Even his fucking resseurection was just another means to an end. He had only been healed to further her twisted plans._

On certain days, these thoughts were easy to shove down. But today was not, if anything it broke him into smaller pieces. 

Patrol had been relatively quiet, he hadn’t even run into any of the bats. He soon found the reason though. Jason had been en route to the cave when he noticed the amount of cars parked at Wayne Manor. The family had stayed in for ‘team bonding’. Of course he wouldn’t be invited. Peeking in, he could hear the roars of laughter. 

Well, wasn't that harsh? But who could blame them?

Afterall, who would invite the insane murderer into their own home? He had turned back instantly. Now here he was, in a shitty safehouse and drowning his sorrows in shitty alcohol. 

Running his hands across his neck, Jason feels the ugly scar near his jugular. A dark thought comes to mind and tonight seems like a good reason to do it. 

_Might as well finish what Bruce started._

Really, it was all his fault. Bruce had already made his stance clear after that confrontation. He wasn’t even worth more than a lunatic clown. He had been stupid to think the family would accept him again. Even after the pit madness died down. 

He should have noticed how Nightwing would always be ready for a fight around him. How the family was quick to suspect him if a murder was found.

Everyone treated him like a ticking time bomb. Any outbursts were monitored, everyone would be on guard against him.

If he ever got slightly trigger happy, they were on him in an instant.

He was no fool, he knew that they kept tabs on him. There was a plethora of bugs inside his safe houses that they had left, he hadn't shown any indications that he had seen them to the Bats.

Hoping that it would be enough to demonstrate that he had changed for the better.

Though, it looked like all his efforts were for naught.

The idea of death seemed to grow more and more appealing as he sat there.

This time, it would be on his own terms. Hell, he would be doing everyone a favour with this.

Should he call to say goodbye? Was there anyone left who didn’t despise him? Roy and Kori had gone their own ways and he didn’t want to drag them into his mess. Artemis and Bizarro were missing.

Oh. 

Right, he should probably cancel his plans with Rose. He doesn’t want to be an asshole to his deathbed.

“Jace? Why are you calling all of a sudden?”

“...” God why was it so hard to spit the words out

“Jason? Hello?”

“Hey… Rose. Just wanted to let you know I need to take a raincheck on our ... outing next week. I-I don’t think I can make it-”

“Is everything ok in Gotham?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just peachy-” Jason took a deep breath, biting back his actual thoughts. “I wanted to….” 

As Jason rambled on, Rose paused. Her vision was changing. What was that? Jason was alone in his warehouse, she watched as he popped some pills in his mouth. He headed to the washroom, not even disrobing as he submerged himself into the bathtub. She watched on in frozen horror as Jason never came back up for air.

“...Thanks for being there Rose, sorry for bothering you. I guess this is goodbye.” 

Rose blinked, she was back in the present. “No, Jason. Jace. Don’t you dare hang up, Jace-”

The phone beeped. She was cut off. In an instant, she connected her phone to her laptop, trying to track Jason’s location. There was no way she was going to make it, being across the country. But there had to be someone else close enough. Wait. Yes, there was. 

Dialling a number that was only for emergencies, she prayed the other side would pick up quicker.

“Rose?”

“Dad, you need to head into Gotham right now. I’ll send you the coordinates. Hood is- Jason is doing something stupid, he’s going to hurt himself. I'll even pay you please to drop the contract you are on rig-”

“Send me the coordinates.”

Rose blinked “O-ok, done.”

“I’ll call again once I find him” Slade says before disconnecting the call.

_Oh gods. Please. Don’t be late._ Curling up into a ball, Rose feels a sense of helplessness wash over her. Since she’s donned the identity of Ravager, she has never considered internal threats. It had always been getting rid of external threats. But what do you do when the threat is yourself?

* * *

Slade had been surprised when Rose called him. All his kids had been given access to the number for any emergencies. But they had never used it. 

He was expecting the worst when he picked up. 

So when Rose rambled on about her request, his surprise turned into worry. 

The boy. The little bird who had his wings clipped yet still found a way to fly. A member of the batfamily who was willing to dirty their hands.

He had been hired by the Demon’s daughter to train him. The boy had been on a quest of vengeance, broken over the fact that his murder was unavenged and how easily replaceable he was.

The boy Jason had been an enigma. A crude, foul mouthed boy. With a heart of gold, giving and giving until there was nothing left of him to give. He could comfort victims, easily gaining their trust. And at a flip of a switch, he could become a ruthless killer, taking lives left and right. The potential he had was wasted on his vengeance.

He wouldn't admit it out loud, but he had a soft spot for the kid. He couldn’t help but grow attached during his training. In some ways, the boy reminded him of Grant. They were so different yet so similar.

Wayne was a fool. 

If he had been in Wayne’s place, he would have long avenged his son’s murderer. 

_Beep beep_

His phone beeped with the coordinates. Instantly, he input them into his GPS. He’s only a half hour drive away from the location. But if he speeds, he should arrive faster.

Weaving in and out of traffic, he breaks into the kid’s safehouse in less than 15 minutes. There is an eerie silence surrounding the apartment. Scattered on the floor are bottles of alcohol. An empty bottle of sleeping pills is left on the table. _Shit._

“Kid?” 

There’s no response. Please don’t let him be late.

He has no choice but to go through the rest of the house. He almost freezes when he enters the washroom. The bathtub is overflowing with water, but no bubbles are reaching the surface.

_No. What did you do kid?_

He rushes over to pull the kid out of the bathtub. There’s no signs of breathing or any heartbeat that he can hear. He tries CPR to no avail, nothing changes. Chest compression one after another. 

Damn it.

He was too late.

He’s lost another kid.

The kid was gone, and there was no way in hell that he would let the Bats take the kid. They didn’t deserve him. He would bring him back and bury him next to Grant. At the very least they would have each other’s company and not be forgotten. 

_I’m sorry kid, I shouldn’t have let you go once you had finished your training._

_You and I both knew that your quest would fail._

_Batman won’t ever kill. Instead he gets others to do his dirty work for him._

Just as he is about to take the kid away from the flat, he hears something. Focusing on the faint sound, he turns back to the kid. His chest seemed to be moving up and down slightly. Slade moved closer, there was a faint heartbeat that he could hear. He paused, waiting to hear it again. 

It seems the universe was in his favour today. His mind is made up in an instant, there's no way he is leaving him behind. 

He’s going to help the kid, build him back up. But this time he’s going to make sure to give Jason the support that he needs. 

Slade’s not going to lose another kid, ~~not like Grant~~.

* * *

Later, at a different safehouse across the country, Jason wakes up. It seems that he is a failure at everything, he can’t even do one thing right. The universe really had to screw him over one more time. All he wants is peace.

Rose is the first one to appear in his room. She launches herself at him, wrapping him in a hug. Murmuring her worries and how relieved she was to see him again. Slade is the next to appear in the room, he watches the two interact. He sits on a chair near the bed and doesn’t offer much besides a quiet “glad to see you back with us, kid.”

When Jason notices Slade, he asks “Why?”

“You’re important to us, kid. Not everyone gets another chance, so don’t squander this one.”

“B-but I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“That’s ok. We’ll show you, we’ll give you a reason to live.” 


End file.
